u s e y o u r h a n d s

These Missed Connections ads were taken from the current issue of the Chicago Reader. I wrote the little stories under the ads in response to reading these ads.

BIKE MESSENGER SPOTTED twice–is it fate? You: male, dark and thin with glasses. I (cute female) spotted you first at the Exit, passed out on the couch upstairs, and then you delivered a package to my work. Pedal back into my life?

After phases as trixie, lipstick lesbian, and pseudo intellectual, Kelly had once again trainsformed herself, this time as punk professional. She’d been to the Exit a few times looking for a cleverly tattooed guy with nice teeth and a college degree. Spotting him on the couch and then in his cute bike messenger uniform, Kelly could easily see him in a nice suit with a cool haircut. With just a little work.

BLACK BOOTS, BLACK hat over your long dark hair, on Chestnut Street with your older blonde friend, waiting for cab on a rainy day. You slapped my butt and told me to get out of the cold. Would have loved to say hello but shy and in hurry. Coffee? Chat? Another tush slap?

She was nervous about the intervention, but seriously hoped that today had been the last time she watched her sister get drunk on tequila over lunch. Trish’s sister Kate is the kind of life-of-the-party gal that’s great to know in college, but as she aged, became a cautionary tale. Kate won’t see this ad in rehab, but Trish saw it and threw it in the recycling.

PUB CRAWL 10/31, Miss Rambo (better known as Rambett). We exchanged a few words. Would like to exchange a few more. Call or E-Match. Raider.

A persistent case of colitis had pretty much killed Beth’s love life, but lately, she’d been giving it a final go. Beth really hoped she’d eventually find a guy who would be nice about it, but she found no takers. Kurt met her briefly at a bar and was enchanted by her quiet reserve. Beth tentatively replied to this ad. After several really good dates, Beth finally told him about her problem. Shrugging, he asked what the big deal was.

Eating: A chicken biryani meal from Trader Joe’s. I fucking love you Trader Joe’s.

Working Out: 40 min of cardio this morn.

Wanting: Warm goat cheese over Carr’s water crackers. Nummy.

Today, I ate a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese, half a pan of fat-free brownies, and a cheese danish. If I had the gumption, I’d go vomit. But I don’t want to have to brush my teeth again and blow noodles out of my nose.

Christ on a cracker, who turned on this POS station in my United Airlines bunker office? Usually, someone cool gets in first and switches on WXRT, but occasionally, I have to endure the assault of 100.3. Already this morning, I’ve had to endure aural battery from Mariah Carey, Sting, and Amy Grant. Somebody call the UN.

I mentioned briefly yesterday during my latest “I hate Chicago” rant that Trader Joe’s is now open. We went back to the Joe’s yesterday to pick up some cheapo bottles of wine, more veggie rice bowls for Peedge’s lunch, and bread. Poor Joe’s looks like it got ransacked! Most aisles were empty, such is the enthusiasm Lakeview residents have for the Joe’s.

Why is Trader Joe’s a good store to support? They provide all employees with benefits and a 401-K. Buyers locate good seasonal products and purchase in bulk, then actually pass savings on to the customer. Joe’s refuses to sell GMO products. It’s the only source of affordable organic goods around. You’ve got to get a second mortgage to shop at Whole Foods or Treasure Island on a regular basis. Joe’s is good fare at a fair price.

Be sure to stop by the Official Grand Opening Party at Trader Joe’s this Friday. I’ve been assured there’s going to be a ton of free samples, both nummy and savory.

In other news, to combat my Seasonal Affective Disorder, I’ve purchased and installed full-spectrum plant lights in our living room and at work. Normally, I live in fear of the fall time change – DFW would say “howling fantods” – because the lack of light sends me into a catatonic melancholia. It’s a truly serious and profound change. However, thanks to some good device from my friend Ben, a transplanted Angeleno attending medical school in Dublin, I purchased the plant lights as a cheapo alternative to a light box. Take that, winter blues!

I have developed a love, a deep abiding affection, for coffee. Oh, coffee! Even though you taste like poo, I love you because you take the place of breakfast. Thank you for steering me away from United’s tempting array of nummy goods (which I’d never eat anyway, but still) and giving me a pleasant low-level buzz. Shiny!

Working Out: Did 40 minutes of cardio at the stinkiest BTF!

Eating: Last night, I added three cups of chopped portabello, two cups of chopped asparagus, and a cup of chopped roasted chestnuts to a portabello mushroom soup. Nums, especially with some dill, basil, and a tad of cinnamon. We also ate way too much bread. And some soy ice cream.

Doing: Tonight is a Dinnergrrls event at Buca di Beppo. I’m excited!