u s e y o u r h a n d s

I do not like the bathroom. Besides the filth factor, people (including myself) tend to ritualize their potty antics, and at the very least, reveal a side of their personality that I don’t want to know about. Fail to use a seat cover or wash for an appropriate length of time and I will never forget it.

But today, I had a different experience clearly within the range of ridiculous. While I praticed my own ritualized potty behavior (sidebar: I have a pee mantra. In order to pee, I must chant a mantra. Or look at a certain shade of blue. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.) I looked down and saw a tag where there should be no tag. A tag? What?

I investigated and figured out that somehow, I’d put my underwear on wrong this morning. Some explanation: I was wearing the “big panties” that were too big 40 lbs. ago. You do the math. A leg went into the waist and the whole house of underwear cards collapsed. I considered leaving the situation as-is, but I thought I might face elastic abrasion issues later in the day. So I took action.

Luckily, I’d worn shoes I could slip my jeans over. But did I really want to attempty the maneuvre during the pre-lunch potty melee? I did, but how? I raised my legs up above the bottom of the door and quickly slipped off the jeans. After righting the underwear wrong, I paused as a lady washed her hands at the basin opposite my stall. With legs in midair, I waited as she picked her teeth and fluffed her hair. Finally, she left and I finished the job. Right as rain!

But what of this bizarre bathroom paranoia? If someone caught me taking my jeans off and putting them back on, even through the 1/4 inch gap between the door and the stall, what of it? I don’t know, but it would be bad.

Listened to an archived broadcast of Liz Phair performing on KCRW’s “Morning Becomes Eclectic.” You know shit is going wrong when you’re promoting your first new album in five years and you only perform two songs from it during your six song set.

It’s best when it’s hot. This applies not only to weirdly kinky sex, but also to peppermint tea. Loathsome when lukewarm.