u s e y o u r h a n d s

If you are a girl and you want to get picked up lickety-split, take a stack of cookbooks to a bar.

Missed Connections! This week, I picked out ads from the Austin Chronicle, the Chicago Reader, and one from Craig’s List. Several people have suggested I take ads from Craig’s List, but they are a nightmare to go through. Note: The Reader ad? Fucking genius golden brilliant.

DAPHNIE WAS YOUR Stage name, Rico was mine. I enjoyed your company, let’s do it again in the real world. (Austin Chronicle)

Love is not often found on the go-go dancers’ platform, but it’s another story for Daphnie and Rico. He’d danced with a lot of bikini-clad women painted gold, but not one quite like Daphnie. She was kind, offering him water and complimenting the way he ground his pelvis into her rear. She will call him because of this ad. They will date, marry, and then open their own nightclub.

GREAT KHAKIS! JOHN Barleycorn, my favorite bar. We’re both fifth generation Irish. We talked about work. Beer: you like Bud, I’m into Guinness (more exotic). Wonder what you look like without the baseball cap. Can you handle this wild chick? I’m Poi Dog Pondering the possibilities! (Chicago Reader)

(Proprietors’ Note: I swear I did not make this one up.)

Nobody really knew who was behind The Project, but Naomi supported their aims. The reputation of the Irish people had been besmirched by movies, books, and bars. And the time had come to destroy. Naomi was sent to John Barleycorn on a busy Saturday night after a Cubs game with a purse loaded with dynamite. But something unexpected happened. She had a good time. Naomi had a beer (on special!), a chat with a cute boy, and then she threw the purse away. But when she got home, she did burn a copy of Angela’s Ashes. For priciple’s sake.

DEPORTED TO CANADA. You are being deported to Canada. My friends and I were thought is was a big joke and were saying funny things like Get ooooooooot of America. But then you sang America by Neil Diamond and you danced like you were walking on cotton candy and you earned our respect. It looked like a lot of people turned out for your deportation party. I wish you luck up north. Come back real soon ya hear. (LA Craig’s List)

“Kate,” said Marion, putting down the scrap of paper Kate had asked her to proofread. “You can’t put this up.”

Kate’s heart sank. “Why not?”

Marion rolled her eyes and read aloud. “‘Danced like you were walking on cotton candy’? Kate. What is that? How can you both dance and walk and what does cotton candy have to do with either? And he’s gone. Back to Canada. Why would he be surfing Craig’s List?”

Kate didn’t bother to tell Marion how she felt. That that night was the best of her life and she was scared nothing would eclipse it. That it was a lovely, joyful moment and she wanted it to last. She nodded, took the piece of paper, and then placed the ad.