u s e y o u r h a n d s

So I was all set to write a story from the point-of-view of a pirate’s fake eye, but I wanted to use PI, like Magnum PI, but then I realized that “pirate’s eye” was really PE, and that means something else entirely. I’m going to have to rethink the whole concept. However, I think it’s a good concept.

Is the whole thing about getting older that you constantly feel like there’s no time in the day? Because if it is, what’s the point? Or is getting older discovering a love for coffee? Even now, dear reader, I am savoring a cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee (sans donut, mind you!). The cream is creamy, but not greasy. The coffee flavor does not smell of that certain potty smell, like coffee can do when it is bad coffee. This coffee, very, very hot when acquired, is now perfectly drinkable. It is the balm for my weary soul. Oh, coffee! We’ve wasted so many years.

From McSweeney’s Letters Page. I must preface your reading of this hilarious snippet to tell you that I don’t read McS anymore. It just got too-too for me. However, occasionally I like to click through the ungodly Web site.

Dear McSweeney’s,

Down at the Astor Place subway today, same dude, looking a little better, singing “Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore,” and then bam!, parlays it right into “Riders on the Storm” again.

Yours,
Josh Engel

There’s a big lesbian dance party on Friday. Who wants to come with? Think about what the line for the potty will be like!

Recently, I’ve put a lot of thought into going into that business called law! I’ve always thought about being a lawyer. I’d have to take the LSATs again, get accepted to law school, then go. But after that, cha-fucking-ching. I have this silly plan to work for a decade, then retire. Is this a good plan? Yes, lawyers are bad. Yes, work hours. But all jobs are not good. I hate all my jobs. So what’s the difference?