u s e y o u r h a n d s

Having a birthday in such close proximity creates weird mental crossover. The holidays bleed together and it’s all one big blur of wine, pie, and more wine. But as today is the big 2-5 and because I had felt so weird about the day, I present a list of what I’d like to say to myself on this, the day of my birth.

Ed. note: jittery from way too much caffeine/excitement today.

1. I am so glad I threw that party. Sometimes, it’s difficult for me to feel competent, but I do throw good parties. No idea why. Not going to analyze it too closely. I like having them, people show up, that’s that.

2. I have a large and lovely group of friends and acquaintances who actually seem to enjoy my company. Why this baffles me, I’m not exactly sure. But I’m so glad. I’m so pleased.

3. I might still be a mess in some areas of my life, but I’m trying. I’m getting better. I have large therapy bills that I do not mind paying.

4. CAUSE NOBODY CAN DO IT LIKE MIX MASTER CAN DO IT. Sorry, that was in my head.

5. I’m developing my own sense of shit. I broke out of the futon/framed print/tv mold and painted the living room pink, slapped up a bunch of pictures of half-nude pin-ups from the ’40s, and bought a very comfy couch. It works. It’s me. And I don’t know if I’d have done that a few years ago. I leave embarrassing books on the shelf when I used to hide them under the bed.

6. Because who I am is becoming slightly more clear and I’m way cool with that.

7. I’m trying to understand that not everyone will/can like me. And that’s fine, because I’m really good at making fun of you behind your back.

8. There’s this weird little domestic chunk of me that wants to be a frilled-out housewife who plans the perfect soiree in high heels and sends the perfect gift. And while that’s way too gag-me Martha, it’s also sort of cute.

9. I’m dating this lovely boy who’s just so right for me in so many ways. And I’m working very hard to keep him. And if you ever saw Brian dance, so would you.

10. That car is almost paid off. And then, fucking flames up the front. Word.

11. I’m just so happy. Thanks again to everyone who came to the party, drank, then made out. You all rocked me, Amadeus and we should do it again. Thanks for making my golden birthday the best yet.

12. And you, Shylo, thanks for sticking it out. There have been times – there have been times. Try harder. Try longer. And remember, there are times when you are so proud of yourself.

7 comments

The party was amazing. Fucking amazing. Let us see this party through the eyes of my dress. A simple, ’50s-era full-skirted number with tulle peeping out from underneath. At the end of the night, it was splattered with wax, the sash untied, soaked with wine, and the tulle was torn. Bitchin’ time.

Here are some hazy memories and observations. Note: these are not parent/square friendly.

1. I really should have eaten that day. A taste here or there of cupcake batter is not a meal. I should have eaten.

2. Brilliant Idea #1: Jell-O shots. One of the most important parts of a party is to get everybody inebriated at the same time. And Jell-O shots can help. I made 50-100 cranberry Jell-O shots and passed them around on trays. I think I had five. And so did you, didn’t you?

3. Tater tots. Enhance the hipster ghetto vibe with this old standby. Add some salt, some ketchup. I made six pounds of tater tots and it was like they never existed. Of course, I also made fifty sandwiches which also vaporized. And 60 cupcakes! Gone, gone, gone.

3(a) (I don’t want to renumber) Everybody sang “Happy Birthday!” And I cried. Really, I didn’t think I’d be in Chicago this time last year. And I am, and I’ll probably be here next year. I’m happy about that.

4. The weather was the perfect temp. And it rained a little. But you could still go outside and smoke because I really needed one more room.

5. People came and brought WINE! Nearly 20 bottles of wine. Plus lots of beer. Plus lots of lots. And it is all gone. Every bit of it.

6. Oh my god! That guy from the street that we invited in then kicked out is totally hitting on a ten-year-old! Ew, ew! Lock the door.

7. Some randy little party guest proposed spin the bottle. And we played! We all marched into the kitchen and played with gusto. I remember sitting down to play, but the rest is one hazy fun time.

8. TONGUE!

9. I spilled everything.

10. TONGUE! TONGUE!

11. Wait, you left when we started the game! Did we freak you out? Please say no. I know the game was not everyone’s cup of tea, but we’re all friends here, right?

12. The rug is ruined!

13. At some point, my speech turned ghetto. This is not my normal drinking accent.

14. Wha? lkja;lsdfj! lkjlaserohbhuurt!. word.

15. Golden Angel. uoj.

I had so much fun. The party was a good excuse to finally put my apartment together and buy a fun dress on eBay. If I made an ass out of myself, you must forgive me for I am sorry though I can’t really remember. But if you had a great time, it would make me so happy if you kept talking about this party for months. Because that would be the best gift ever, if you remember the fun time you had at my house.

See you in February. I’ll be throwing a fete to get us through the long winter.

15 comments

Say
My love
I came to you with best intentions
You
Laid down and gave to me just
What I’m seeking

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There’s only so many punches in the puss you can take before drunkeness sets in. The brain damage of experience. And if you are at all self-aware you will see the fist in the corner of your eye and duck. And if you’re feral, you’ll swing back and you’ll hit your foe’s jaw square. You’ll watch your fist go through and up, if you’ve got good follow through. When you hear the sound of hitting the ground and you’re still standing, you’re the king. You’re alone.

---

Hey
My love
Do you believe that we
Might last
A thousand years?

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But sometimes you want to stop punching but find your fists fly on their own. They’ve been trained to protect and defend. Your own personal bodyguards have a hair trigger. It’s embarrassing; you’re so, so hard. And wouldn’t the therapist have a lot to say about it?

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Hey
My love
You came to me like wine
Comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you
Quench my mind

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I am tired and the muscles are sore. I am weary of the fight. And it’s time to put down the dukes. If I get punched again, it will sting. But if I don’t get in the game, my own punch will hurt infinitely more. Because I’ll know it’s coming. And, sometimes, when you expect the pain, it makes it so so bad.

/end

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In other news: Ever taken a kick from your kidneys? It’s not good, just sayin’.

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