Oh, Jesus Christ!
Can this day be any more boring? Great God in heaven. I’m trying to occupy myself with writerly bits, but still. C’mon already.
She checked her other e-mail box every hour waiting to see if he’d replied. He had not. She hoped her would because she really, really wanted nsa sexual activity away from the glaring eyes of her neighbors. Their suburb was killing her.
The repair shop was decidedly musty and far too warm for someone just in from the cold. Gail rang the counter bell and a lumbering repairman holding a staple gun came to the counter.
“How can I help you?”
Gail cleared her throat and asked, “Yes, when will our recliner be ready?”
He tapped the staple gun on the counter tunefully. Gail thought it might be “A Whiter Shade of Pale.” The repairman shook his head, “At least a week. The damage was pretty severe, you know. Both arms just split off, you said? No reason?”
She thought he might ask that and she blushed. In the car, she’d rehearsed a cover story. “We have this dog….”
The Careful Selection of Pole-Dancing Music
Ladies, take note. Ours is a cliche-ridden profession and we must do our best to avoid the obvious. Not all of us have drug problems or were abused. Not all of us support “musician” boyfriends.
We can fight these and other cliches by giving our customers something beyond what they get at other strip clubs. Of course, I mean routine, attitude, etc., but this memo pertains solely to your choice of music. The following songs are out. Strictly out. If your act focuses around these songs, please reconsider. We can provide suggestions/CDs upon request:
1. “Closer by NIN”. (Actually, anything by NIN)
2. “Cowboy” by Kid Rock
3. “Criminal” by Fiona Apple
4. “Cherry Pie” by Warrant
5. “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew
6. “Rump Shaker” by Wreckx-N-Effect
7. “Lady Marmalade” by either LaBelle or the Moulin Rouge version
8. Anything by Britney Spears
9. “Super Freak” by Rick James
10. And please, please, please! No more “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls
11. “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue
12. “Hot For Teacher” by Van Halen
13. “Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi
14. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard
15. “Kashmir” by Led Fucking Zeppelin
Thank you, ladies.
The Management
7 comments7 Comments so far
Doesn’t Lords of Acid belong on there somewhere too?
The album art does, in any case.
16. “Girls on Film,” by Duran Duran. (Although that’s probably a bit dated, anyway.)
17. “Darling Nikki,” new or original version.
18. Anything by Madonna.
Got to step up for “Girls, Girls, Girls” — there are those tunes that are Overused, yes, and many on your list are fine examples — but there are also Classics. Respect Classics.
Pretty Woman – Roy Orbison.
Bon Jovi (again) – Livin on a Prayer.
Poison – Alice Cooper.
And not so ironically:
U Can’t Touch This – MC Fuckin’ Hammer.
All true, and all heard at my one time at a strip club.
I would love to strip to Pomp and Circumstance. Or maybe something by Wesley Willis.
YES! On the to strip to list, in addition to Pomp & Circumstance:
- The Monster Mash (it’s a graveyard smash!)
- Wave of Mutilation (fast version), Pixies
- Theme from “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”
- 1812 Overture (the cannon shots are perfect for stripping)