A Funnyish Vignette About My Parents
Because I choose not to weep, I must laugh when recalling the arguing style of my parents. A loud and insulting couple, they regularly scrapped and in the process, developed a few verbal gems that have proved hilarious when told at parties. Because if I didn’t get a nurturing, peaceful home, at least I got some good cocktail party fodder out of it. And, really, sometimes I’ve just got to be okay with that.
To begin:
1) Why Don’t You Pack Your Shit and Leave? – This got trotted out generally in the middle of the argument, which you could rate on a scale similar to that for peppers or earthquakes. Some of their fights were jalapeno, some of them were San Francisco 1906. WDYPYSAL was most often used by my father, to which my mother would cleverly retort Why Don’t You Pack YOUR Shit and Leave? It’s this type of glittery badinage that I hope to work into my Great American Novel.
2) Go Flush Your Head Down the Toilet! – No, seriously. They really hurled this one at each other in all earnestness. And this came after most other expletives. Can you imagine? This always struck me as ridiculous, if simply for the visual. But why, after more potent invective, was this phrase trotted out? No idea. But try it — there’s no easier way to make your kids laugh even while cowering under the covers.
3) The C Word – That word. You know what I’m talking about. And I still wince when I hear this word, whether it’s used in British books or movies where it means something entirely different, or in the feminist book of the same name, where the etymology is examined and it’s supposed to be reclaimed. But to me, it will never be okay, and it will never be funny. The only humor I can recall from its use was the intensity with which it was said. Like hurling a verbal spear. Such energy in one word. I can’t help but laugh at how silly that was. Why not just throw the punch with your fist that you meant with that word? This taught me a lesson in being succinct, how one word can really mean “I’d hit you right now, but I find that somehow inappropriate, but if I could, I would.”
These are the three that really stick out. I’m sure there were others. But the first two are ones I share with friends and use solely in jest. The third one, though, that’s still verboten.
Anybody know about removing lead-based paint from woodwork? Heat gun okay?
4 comments4 Comments so far
Haha. Flush your head down the toilet. By far my personal favorite. Of course, there was always, “Why do I always have to be the heavy?”, which was ironic, coming from the Father.
Oh, how could I forget that one? Plus, you’ll remember “When I was 12 years old….”
And of course there is room for innovation, development of the venacular. “Why don’t you just go and pass out”, overheard at a party, is popular too.
When I was 12, I beat Super Mario Bros. 3. However, when our father was 12, he apparently accomplished the most amazing feats known to man. For instance, he made a cake from scratch. And took care of an entire apartment complex. And he did his own ironing. Also, our father likes to embellish/brag/outright lie. I couldn’t cook a sandwich at 12, but apparently the vast worldly experiences and abilities of our father were worthy of not one but perhaps a series of biographical accounts. Ass.