u s e y o u r h a n d s

bullshit assholes – w4m

oh baby, you asshole. it makes me sad that I even miss you at all, but at least I don’t want to vomit when I think about you anymore.

seeking Polish man with overbite, green eyes and curly hair – w4m – 45

If you are a man of Polish descent, with an overbite, brown or gray curly hair, green eyes, and you are between the age of 45 and 55 then you are my fantasy man.

YOU ARE JOAN A COOK I AM SPECIAL R – 50

WE MET EARLY 80′S. YOUR GOOD FRIEND IS DONNA. WE ALMOST HOOKED UP AFTER THAT BUT NEVER HAPPENED. YOU WERE A COOK AT THE SHERATON AND ALSO AT LARRY’S GREENFRONT WHERE WE MET. ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW HER OR HER WHEREABOUTS? I THINK YOU USED TO HANG OUT AT BAR UNDER WEST SEATTLE BRIDGE. I’M ROSS OR YOU LIKED TO CALL ME SPECIAL ‘R’. PLEASE CALL OR EMAIL SOMETIME. 4255019473

chapman guitar singer guy

somewhere in my mind i noticed it was a different song but i didnt register which one. stairway to heaven? huh. hes been playing those other two(redemption song is the other) for so damn long. i remember when he didnt have that damn microphone. im dying to know who gave it him.
im laughing remembering a time he got on the train, this couple on the train had a sleeping baby in a carriage. they had the routine pegged. the father quickly grabbed the carriage, the mother threw a blanket over the childs face. the father then charged to the other end of the train car, where he took the corner seat and tried to shield the carriage as best he could.
if only someone were there for the rest of us tired folk.

February has been a record-breaking month for UYH, stats-wise. I have to thank to delightful little entries for bringing on shitloads of hits.

1) Complete lyrics to Eamon’s “F You.” Again, sportsfans, links to the shittiest hip-hop power ballad ever.

2) That totally retarded sand ceremony that Bachelorette Trista and International Male model Ryan had during their vagina-pink wedding.

The title of today’s entry. Yeah. So, I was racing around this a.m. looking for these yummy Target man’s mocs I like to scuff about in. But there were nowhere to be found. Hence, the title.

America’s Next Top Model is the best show ever. Why do I like it so much? It features women who never eat, smoke like chimneys, and actually say things like “Be the shoe.” So why? For the exactly the same reasons why I love demolition derbies.

I’m not into cars, either. But when they smash against each other, you can help but root for one. And whether it’s that General Lee-wannabe or the ex-police car with “69″ painted on its top, you’ll spill you’re beer when you yell and clap for your car. Smash, smash! And whoever can still rev their engine wins at the end.

Does that make sense? Did you get that I like ANTM because it’s so full of stupid conflict? That it makes these women commodities?

I also like it because everyone on the show, from diabolical genius Tyra Banks to “first supermodel” Janice Dickinson, refers to it by the whole title. I have taken to calling it ANTM(tm).

I’m exploring other ways to make money besides a full-time job. Aside from hoing and crack dealing (both of which I’ve been assured I lack certain skills for) I’ve been considering event planning and decorating. Sure, I’d have to seriously kiss the ass of rich people, but if someone was a dick, I could just fuck their house up.

No, really, though. I think I could do well with both of those pursuits, in addition to freelance writing. What says you, viewing public?

Dude, the guys at my office are totally fawning over this new girl contractor. She has an accent in a nice smile. You’d think she was made of jerky. Gnaw!

My Girl Scout cookies came in. I am chomping like a motherfucker. Hoe down? Hoe up!

In order to save money and eat not-so-rich food, we’ve made a Lenten committment to not eat out. I’m going to work through a lot of Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything. Last night, I made Bittman’s Basic Tomato Sauce. Tomatoes, garlic, oil. It cost like $2.

Will this day go slower? Jesus.

You want to piss off a dude tout de suit? Imply that he’s flirting with the new girl contractor. Meow!

Is it possible to be all g’d out in plaid? I think not. On another note, give me money to buy actual work clothes. I have a wish list at Nordstrom.

Mimi Smartypants name-checked all these bloggers. Is nothing sacred?