u s e y o u r h a n d s

February has been a record-breaking month for UYH, stats-wise. I have to thank to delightful little entries for bringing on shitloads of hits.

1) Complete lyrics to Eamon’s “F You.” Again, sportsfans, links to the shittiest hip-hop power ballad ever.

2) That totally retarded sand ceremony that Bachelorette Trista and International Male model Ryan had during their vagina-pink wedding.

The title of today’s entry. Yeah. So, I was racing around this a.m. looking for these yummy Target man’s mocs I like to scuff about in. But there were nowhere to be found. Hence, the title.

America’s Next Top Model is the best show ever. Why do I like it so much? It features women who never eat, smoke like chimneys, and actually say things like “Be the shoe.” So why? For the exactly the same reasons why I love demolition derbies.

I’m not into cars, either. But when they smash against each other, you can help but root for one. And whether it’s that General Lee-wannabe or the ex-police car with “69″ painted on its top, you’ll spill you’re beer when you yell and clap for your car. Smash, smash! And whoever can still rev their engine wins at the end.

Does that make sense? Did you get that I like ANTM because it’s so full of stupid conflict? That it makes these women commodities?

I also like it because everyone on the show, from diabolical genius Tyra Banks to “first supermodel” Janice Dickinson, refers to it by the whole title. I have taken to calling it ANTM(tm).

I’m exploring other ways to make money besides a full-time job. Aside from hoing and crack dealing (both of which I’ve been assured I lack certain skills for) I’ve been considering event planning and decorating. Sure, I’d have to seriously kiss the ass of rich people, but if someone was a dick, I could just fuck their house up.

No, really, though. I think I could do well with both of those pursuits, in addition to freelance writing. What says you, viewing public?