u s e y o u r h a n d s

Remember when I auditioned for that burlesque show? well, I’m in.

So, what should my stage name be?

1. Defecation of Character!
2. Corrupt Dog Eats Baby!
3. 35 Killed By Gin-Soaked Carnie!
4. Killer, 7, Rewarded with Candy
5. Bush, Cheney Caught Inflagrante at Cacti Ranch
6. Batavia Levelled By Satan’s Own Bulldozer
7. Bees Form Union; Demand Reparations
8. Beats No Longer “Phat,” Says Diddy
9. Isaac Mizrahi to Wed Liza
10. Potty the Bong Favorite Children’s Character

If Destiny’s Child were kittens in England ….

So, on Monday I tried out for the Sissy Butch Brothers burlesque show. I spent a month putting my act together, first deciding on “I’m Just a Girl Who Cain’t Say No” from Oklahoma!. If anyone wants to buy a (slightly) used hoopskirt, let me know.

I ended up performing to “Big Spender” from Sweet Charity. Lots of horns and shit. It’s very bombastic. I stripped down from a men’s oxford to a corset, to a bra, then pasties. No twirling, though. That shit hurts, if you know what I mean.

Everyone was very kind, although I was extremely, crazily nervous. Anyway, don’t know if I got in yet. But let’s hope, hrm?

Did you know? If not, let me share:

I, for one, am relieved to know at last.

Does nobody else think of Kashi GoLean cereal as Kashi Golem? Kind of a mind-fuck, yes? While many dieters will extol the virtues of Kashi cereal with its bits of “fiber twigs,” soy granules, and honey puffs, it’s not really supernatural in nature.

However, maybe if you wet it a bit and mold it … into the form of a man … oh, shit. Oh, shit!

Um, anyone know how to kill a cereal-man with supernatural powers? Anyone, anyone? Bueller?

Because that guy is getting twig everywhere. And booming Hebrew isn’t work-friendly.