u s e y o u r h a n d s

Hello.

Whenever you date/like someone, you take on a bit of their person. Their likes and dislikes. And then when whatever goes awry and you part, part of them sticks to you like psychic dryer sheets.

In my not-so-storied dating history, I have taken away a few things from each dude. Some I kept, some I sold to the lowest bidder:

Josh

We didn’t really date, but I liked him. He kissed me once! Josh was very tall and eventually married an evil midget with excessively curly hair called Daisi. I once saw him eat a whole lemon.

Lemons are good.

Tony

I dated Tony for just a few months before I left for college. He was like five years older than me. He was a really good bridge player. And ever since, I’ve had more than a passing fascination with this card game that generally sticks with middle-aged couples.

Marc

This was a dumb, dumb period in my life. This dude was a pool-playing felon with no discernible career path. But he seemed to like me, so hey! Anyway, pool is a dirty, dirty endeavour as is gambling.

Kennedy

On our first date, he brought me a copy of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. I read it twice.

Jeff

I did not date Jeff. From him, I took the Dave Matthews Band and the knowledge that however someone treats others around them will be how they eventually treat you. I hear he is a now a father.

Ethan

He is very funny, and smokes a lot of pot. I think pot is tacky, but Mr. Show is good. Ethan also makes funny movies at gbehh.com.

Phineas

He is a big fan of both sad, dirgey music and goofy ha-ha music. Phineas likes skulls. I painted the kitchen blue and had to leave it behind. I learned never to make home improvements unless you’re going to stay a while. And that no matter how nice the back porch, you should leave when you know it’s time.

Brian

There have been so many good things. I guess that’s why we’re getting married. But now I have a love of coffee, mowing the lawn, and scrubbing mildew.

I’m sure that I am being selective. I know I am. I’m forgetting the deep psychic wounds when one of these people took money from me. Or when another of them really betrayed my trust. Or when it just didn’t work out, no matter what. But these were lessons learned, likes acquired. This is the litter along my lost love highway.