u s e y o u r h a n d s

If you are in a happy relationship and want to remember how much you love your partner, then go to Duffy’s on Diversey in the company of single people.

Man, I heard TWO awesome things on the Blue Line this evening. These are the days that I’m so glad I haven’t moved to some suburb.

ACT ONE

(Blue Line, near car entrance. Two punky/gothy/ska-y teens stand, talking very loud. The BOY wears a sweatshirt with a patch reading “Rude Boy.” GIRL is wearing a knit beanie.)

BOY: If I had a choice to see Bad Religion or get bit by a zombie, I would choose the zombie.

GIRL: I think I would say zombie, because I can always listen to a CD.

BOY: If I were a zombie, I would be like, the worst zombie ever.

GIRL: The worst zombie ever? You should write a comic about that.

BOY: I would be the worst zombie ever because I’m a vegetarian. And I would be like, “Where are the soy people?”

–scene–

ACT TWO

(Blue Line. Two SKATER BOYS sit to my left. They are dressed in identical garb, bearing Slipknot patches.)

BOY ONE: Dude, look at these.

BOY TWO: What’s that?

BOY ONE: I don’t know, but I’m going to look it up on WebMD.com when I get home.

BOY TWO: Cool.

BOY ONE: I hope it’s ringworm, because that’s like, the coolest name for an infection ever. Ringworm.

– scene –

It was 1:56 and she’d been in the bathroom for 27 minutes. Bethesda had gone in there beecause she felt something in her nose and she needed some privacy for picking. And then she went to the bathroom. And then she quietly unfolded the crossword puzzle she’d tucked in her pocket. She was halfway through the Downs when the door swung open. It was Bethesda’s boss Clare. Bethesda tucked her head down and pulled her legs together. She hid the crossword. Clare always eyed the crack of the stalls to see who was in there.

Bethesda stayed quiet and sat there while Clare peed. Clare was the loudest peer Bethesda had ever heard, which sometimes made Bethesda laugh during meetings. Also, Clare wore control-top pantyhose which took forever to pull up. She listened while Clare ran her hands under the faucet (no more than three seconds) and then dried her hands. Bethesda leaned to the left so Clare wouldn’t see her during her final potty peek.

Twelve minutes later, Bethesda flushed, stuck on a six-letter Verdi opera.

The ad agency I work for just got a new client.

This client supplies places like Jewel and Dominick’s with the fixins for items like pasta and potato salad, ambrosia, etc.

In the foodservice industry, these dishes are known as:

WET SALADS.

WET SALADS!!!!

You may joke now.