u s e y o u r h a n d s

What if you discovered that the reason you are special is because you can snap out detailed rhythmic patterns on empty Altoids tins? Kind of a let-down, yeah?

i, personally, have not been blessed with this particular gift, though.

So, I just saw this banner ad for Citibank that had the word “THANXIETY” in big letters, with the definition: anxiety about receiving thanks. I would prefer to know what the multisyllabic German word for this feeling is rather than having a fake word written by a McCool copywriter forever emblazoned on my mind, ready to be thunked about while walking in rhythm down a sidewalk.

Thanx – i – et- y.

Thanki – et – y

Tha- xi – ety.

So Monday I was on the CTA, coming home from a sparsely office, staring out the window. I knew that a woman was sitting in the same row as me, but opposite the aisle and I got out my crazy-dar to see if I had anything to worry about. She looked pretty clean and had a urine-stain-free coat on, so cool. I continued to peer out the window. Until I heard that universal sound of loogie-gathering. That epiglottal purge thing that sounds the same across cultures, genders, creeds, classes, etc. I turned my head and saw the urine-stain-free lady chew the loogie around for a second or two before horking it onto the floor. I didn’t know whether to audibly groan and tell her how nasty that was, or just to switch cars (which I do a lot). So I sat there and felt germs crawling all over me.

But there’s more!

Around Addison, she begins to rub her nose with her index finger. Seeing a string of glistening snot on her digit, she industriously rubs it into the CTA cushion next to her. By this time my skin was nearly humming with the sensation of creepy crawlies marching from her snot and loogie across the aisle and onto my body.

Then she got off and a nice-looking Vietnamese lady with Aldi bags got on. I wanted to warn her, but she was on her cell phone, and i thought I’d sound crazy trying to explain it. And who really wants to know they (and their half-price macaroni dinners) are sitting in snot. Snot me!