u s e y o u r h a n d s

These factors correlate positively with you being a complete douchebag:

- You wear suspenders
- You have dirty, jagged nails
- You own a powerboat
- You wear a bowtie
- You are “into” prog rock
- Or polenta
- Your breath smells like a model’s diet (cigs and coffee)
- You regularly take cabs to work
- You don’t think Henry Kissinger is a war criminal
- You always chew other people’s pens
- You chest bump, raise the roof, or low-five
- You still quote Austin Powers
- You are fond of flavored beef jerky
- You wear short sleeved dress shirts with ties
- You wear contrasting collared/cuffed shirts
- Your hair looks like it was parted with a knife
- You’re a big huge nosepicker
- You wear a Bluetooth headset in public (not in the car)
- You would drop $5 in a jukebox on Phil Collins, Lynrd Skynrd, Matchbox 20 and Creed songs
- Your nicknames for people involve picking one one unflattering trait and adding y to the end (fatty, lispy, shorty, poverty)
- You fucking quote SlingBlade
- You like Steely Dan, Pink Floyd, or Sugar Ray
- You are probably a republican
- You really really really want a Humvee

So, yes, I recently read Celine Dion’s autobiography. I like shitty celeb autobios. Nothing will be better than the Hulk Hogan autobio, mainly because half of the sentences started with “Lemme tell ya, brother.”

But back to Celine! So the story starts out a few years ago, at a time when Celine was fried from constat touring, tanning, and having sex with her grandpa. They were trying to have a baby, without much success. Celine and Rene retire to their Jupiter, FL waterfront estate. And one day, Celine wades out into the ocean. And a manatee comes up to her. And they swim together. And then Celine is overcome with the feelign that she is finally pregnant. Then the magical sea cow swims away.

I’d say something about how Celine’s baby is half man/half manatee, but you already went there, didn’t you?

Seriously, though, I shit you not.

I think it’s great that Chicago realtor extraordinaire Chaz Walters of Hot Property sponsors a little league team. But I’m not so sure it’s a great idea to put “HOT PROPERTY” on the back of the little boys’ jerseys. Seems like asking for trouble.