u s e y o u r h a n d s

So, you ever go to a party (because you are, indeed, a party person) and as soon as you walk in they door, you’re all “Oh, Shit.” Because, clearly, this party is and will continue to be lame as all get out? Happens to everyone. Which is also why throwing an oh shit party is one of my worst fears.

Anyway, this happened to my boo and I awhile back. In fact, it’s happened a few times recently, which makes me think we’re just entering a lame party phase of life. Too much nesting, not enough debauchery. But the two lamest parties we’ve been to recently have had a few bits in common.

1. Cat pee smell: Yes. Serious, nasty cat pee that I simply could not ignore. Who lives in a cat pee house who is not a shut in? Cat pee is a no-no in the worst way. If you live in a cat pee house, do not invite me to your cat pee party! Especially if you have not taken the trash out in days, either.

2. Dance Dance Revolution. Many of the people I know are in our late twenties to mid thirties. Why DDR? We are not Korean teenagers or fat schoolchildren at PE. No fucking DDR! It makes me pity your neighbors. And pull up your pants, for God’s sake!

And scene.\

So, I have a bone to pick with Rachel Ray, the Food Network, and that show “$40.” Here are my complaints:

1. I do not particularly enjoy her brand of Gidget-y, crooked-smile beauty. Also, I imagine that she’s about four feet tall — another trait that I don’t find particularly endearing.

2. She eats her food in a really weird way. In the epi that I watched this evening, Rach’ ordered a $14.50 grilled salmon and asparagus salad from a cafe in Nantucket. In the first bite, she eats only the salad, saying “Mmmm! It’s got this yummy, smokey taste from the grill. Blah blah blah blah. Mmmm!” In her second bite, she eats only the asparagus: “It’s got a much different taste thanwhen it’s steamed. It’s so good — it’s almost nutty. Mmmm!” And in the third bite, she says, “Now I’m going to try the salad, to taste some of that incredible dressing. MMMMMMMM!” See title.

3. Rachel Ray is a shitty tipper. So, she orders this $14.50 salad, right? Let’s say with tax it’s an even $15. She should leave $18 then, yes? Rach’ leaves a mere $17. I know it’s only a buck, but c’mon. It’s only a buck! Sometimes it’s even worse. It’s like she only ever leaves 15%, which I only do unless I get crapola service. Oh, I hate her puckered little puss, but I hate bare-minimum tippers even more. Grrr!

4. In some episodes (I think earlier on) she goes into the kitchen to watch her meal being prepared. She asks these dunderheaded questions and generally acts totally fake. And she touches people too much
Then, when her meal is prepared, she goes back to her table. Then, the dude she just watched make her food brings it out to her. What? Carry your own meal, yo. That way, that shitola tip makes more sense.

I sort of like the idea for the show. But not with Rachel. It makes more sense for a college student to do the show. You know, someone with a reason to scrimp. Rachel just looks cheap. Quick! Someone check her purse for pilfered diner silverware and potty paper.

About a month ago, I was taking the Foster bus home and noticed a fellow passenger’s dress.

Atop her head was a Kangol hat. She clutched at Dooney & Burke purse, and over her shoulder was slung a Prada bag. She looked like hell.

She had a lumpy body and resembled a homelier Liza Minelli. And I know that she had invested hundreds of dollars (that damn D & B bag alone cost nearly $300) to try to cultivate a look, but instead of looking polished, like a fashionista, she was trying way too hard and falling far too short.

I felt so incredibly sorry for her.

I think you should make the most of what you’ve got, but imagining how pissed off you’d be if you’d spent a grand or so trying to put yourself together and still looked patched-up and strange.

I sometimes think we’re all better off phoning it in.

And yet today, I passed up free pizza. Why? “Because I’m getting married in seven months and can’t be that fat bride.”