u s e y o u r h a n d s

Although I did attend my prom senior year, I failed to get lit up about it to the point of distraction. This guy sort of asked me, I sort of accepted, we went. But I was not at the center of planning this event, so I didn’t care which balloons were selected, or the choice of theme, etc. It cost a lot and was sort of boring. So, basically, I had the same prom experience as 99% of the kids in America.

But since, I’ve developed an interest in catalogs, and specifically, prom catalogs. I have acquired three from Stump’s, Anderson’s, and my favorite, Prom Nite. All three catalogs are stunningly similar, from their goofy, pseudo-sexual, song-lyric-based prom themes to their Midwestern roots (Anderson’s and Prom Nite are based in Minneapolis, and Stump’s is out of Indiana). There are gems to be found in each one, as well as many, many follies most hootable.

Anderson’s Prom

The shining star of any prom catalog is the theme section. Sure, the bulk of the catalog is comprised of hundreds upon hundreds of picture frames, glasses, keychains and other such customizeable favors. But the hog queen of the prom parade is surely the theme. I imagine tables full of sit-com teens agonizing over the perfect theme.

Anderson’s theme section is no stand out. With ultra-tacky themes like “Hip Hop Prom” surely aimed at the Midwestern wigger audience, Anderson’s does not deliver a promised “Touch of Class.”

Plus, a lot of their other themes totally rip off the Elvish look from Lord of the Rings.

But where Anderson’s does pull out all the trashy stops is their painted souvenir glassware. I’m sure many high schools have thrilled their students with customized Hawaiian Sunset, Pink Rose, or Cloud flutes.

Stump’s Prom

Ah, Stump’s Prom. Ah, so! Where other prom catalogs only try to exact weird quasi-racist prom themes, Stump’s succeeds with aplomb! Instead of the Asian Delight Kit, why not just decorate your gym like a dry cleaners or a chess tourament? Couple your Kit with a coolie hat or two. Or, maybe, just throw up the Oriental Gardens Photo Mat. Encourage your senior class officers to dress up and mince around like corn-fed geishas.

Stump’s also caters to the high school for assholes. If you want to pose with your date during your “Coast Guard” prom, then carefully assemble your “Nautical Nights Arch.” For a faux-ironic fucked-up look for your prom king and queen, make those fuckers really ride life’s peak in a captain’s or gob hat.

Prom Nite

I heart the Prom Nite catalog. Yes, it popped my prom catalog cherry, but it’s just classier than the other ones. It’s Target versus Wal-Mart.

The crowns! Oh, the crowns! How can you choose among the Wendy, the Falling Star, the Sapphire Lumenescence, or the Raindrop set?

What I don’t understand (and I guess is some goofy wedding/prom tradition) is the whole garter thing. I have heard that proms actually have a garter tradition where dates pull garters off girls’ legs with their teeth. High school kids! The same kids we’re desperately trying to keep from getting knocked up. Logic.

Anyway, Prom Nite is the prom theme kit motherlode. This catalog doesn’t have as many as the other two, but their kits are classier. My current fave is “On the Bayou.” It’s all art nouveau without any of the weird Arcadiana that could have marred this otherwise elegant design. But I’m also excited about the trident-free Poseidon’s Paradise. No prom can be complete without wreckage.

Dude, the guys at my office are totally fawning over this new girl contractor. She has an accent in a nice smile. You’d think she was made of jerky. Gnaw!

My Girl Scout cookies came in. I am chomping like a motherfucker. Hoe down? Hoe up!

In order to save money and eat not-so-rich food, we’ve made a Lenten committment to not eat out. I’m going to work through a lot of Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything. Last night, I made Bittman’s Basic Tomato Sauce. Tomatoes, garlic, oil. It cost like $2.

Will this day go slower? Jesus.

You want to piss off a dude tout de suit? Imply that he’s flirting with the new girl contractor. Meow!

Is it possible to be all g’d out in plaid? I think not. On another note, give me money to buy actual work clothes. I have a wish list at Nordstrom.

Mimi Smartypants name-checked all these bloggers. Is nothing sacred?