u s e y o u r h a n d s

That’s the Fiddlehead Cafe in Chicago’s Lincoln Square Neighborhood. That’s the FIDDLEHEAD CAFE. Let me say it again so it’s sure to get picked up on search engines. Fiddlehead Cafe.

It’s awful. Here’s why:

- There were no vegan options on the menu. And while I don’t expect much, I think it’s sort of stupid not to have something when you run a restaurant in a yuppie neighborhood. I’m sure it’s come up a few times before.

- Anyhoo. So I ask for a veggie frittata without the eggs or cheese. And the waittress says, “Um, how’s that going to happen?”

- After Miss Snottypants walks off wiht my order, she returns 90 seconds later and says, “Um yeah, the chef won’t make anything not on the menu.” Chef, you are a dick. It wasn’t that busy in there and I wasn’t asking for anything you wouldn’t have done in making the whole frittata anyway.

- So then I ask for a fruit bowl. “I know it’s not on the menu,” I say, “But can you see if the chef will acquiesce? Otherwise, I’m not eating here.”

- And then it took 20 minutes to get the check.

- I still tipped a decent tip. But I will never go back to the Fiddlehead Cafe. It was way, way better when it was Square Kitchen. Dear Fiddlehead, Suck It. Love, Me.

So I like to lie, right? And even more than that, I like to make up fakey backstories for people. The other day at work, we were talking about this dude who was recently let go and I mentioned that he’s quite the consipiracy theorist (which he’s not actually.) “No,” I said, “he has all these outlandish theories on all kinds of stuff. Like the Kennedy Assassination. You know who he thinks killed Kennedy? Kennedy. He thinks it was a suicide.”

And it occured to me that that is the ONE theory on the Kennedy Assassination that I haven’t heard.

- Darfur
- Top ways to kill people, including pouring gas into someone’s ear
- The a.m. potential of Van Halen’s “Jump”
- Dysentery
- Frottage
- Hair bikinis
- The “importance” of an orgy room
- Cupcakes as perfect method for acquiring female attentions
- The crucifixion as staged with hip-hop performers
- How the “hot dad” from “My Two Dads” is probably on drugs
- The sexual politics of “Saved By the Bell”
- Staring contests
- The new LCD Soundsystem album
- Etc. Etc. Etc.