u s e y o u r h a n d s

I know I constantly bitch about how tough it is to be a parent, especially one with no child care or much instinct. However, today was pretty great.

- We drove Poppy to work
- Gus pooped all over the car seat
- We found a relatively close by place to park at the Farmers’ Market
- Our fave Farmers’ Market fella hooked us up!
- I got a good scone
- We had some productive therapy
- Gus got a yummy lunch
- He slept for four hours
- I cleaned the house and weeded the yard
- We picked up Poppy at the train
- We all watered the community garden plot
- Gus ate a bunch of stuff that will not be good in a diaper later
- He fell asleep
- Poppy went to a civic meeting
- I had a beer

In February, I started Amish Paste tomatoes from seed. In May, I transplanted them into my organic garden boxes. Early this month, I nursed the crop through blossom end rot while slowly watching one perfect tomato slowly turn red. Today, I picked that tomato. All morning, I could taste that tomato, sliced atop a piece a toasted wheat bread slathered with Vegennaise and fresh cracked pepper.

This afternoon, Gus reached up, took this perfect tomato off the table, the tomato I have craved since planting that first seed five months ago, and bit the end off and dropped it on the floor.

Although my therapist has been telling me the same thing for months, yesterday a neighborhood mom put her hand on my knee and said, “It’s natural and expected that you will have resentment as a parent.” Then I put my head in my child’s neck so nobody would see me cry.

All I feel is resentment, with highlights of pain from being bitten, scratched, grabbed and pulled.